Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection
by Big Man Bryan
Summary: Parody of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. MPAA rating: PG13
1. The Boy Who Didn't Die

**Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection**

PG-13- Pervasive crude and sexual humor, language, and drug references

**Introduction**

This story is based on the Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone book and movie. Tell me what you think of it as I go.

I don't own Harry Potter. (Thank God!)

**The Boy Who Didn't Die**

It was night time. Everyone on Privet Drive was asleep. Except for one person.

An old man, Albus Dumbledore, walks down to the corner of the street. Wearing a blue bathrobe, he stops, takes out what looks like a lighter. He opens it, and the light from all the lamp post on the street between that the street and the other street.

After doing so, he checks to see if nobody is looking when he takes out a cigarette. He uses the what looks like a lighter to light it. After taking one puffs, he is scared to death by a person behind him.

"AAAAHHHHH!"

His scream is loud enough to wake up everyone on Privet Drive. The person behind him is Professor McGonagall.

"Shhh," she saids. "You'll wake up the Muggles."

The cigarette, which had flown out of Dumbledore's hand when he screamed, landed in McGonagall's hair. Neither of them noticed.

Together they walked down the street to 4 Privet Drive.

"When is Hagrid going to be here?" McGonagall asked.

"He should be here in no time," Dumbledore said.

Yet, in was about, let me see, one, no, two... yeah, _one whole minute _before Hagrid arrived.

He landed, while riding a flying motorcycle, in the street. Unfortunately, the brakes didn't work, and he ended up crashing into a car in front of the house. Its alarm went off, giving off a very loud sound that could wake up everyone on Privet Drive.

Dumbledore, without effort, used his wand to silence the car.

"Shhh," he said to Hagrid. "You'll wake up the Muggles."

"Sorry, sir," Hagrid said.

"Where'd you get the motorcycle?"

"Sirius Black gave it to me."

"The same Sirius Black that would later be sent to Askaban for a murder that he didn't even commit and-"

He took a deep breath, for he was talking very fast.

"-wants to unintentionally get revenge?"

"I think so."

"Cool."

"Here's Harry."

Harry, a baby wrapped up in blankets, was crying very loudly. Loud enough to wake up everyone on Privet Drive.

"Quiet," Hagrid said, "or you'll wait up the Muggles."

Dumbledore, effortlessly, took out his wand, and silenced Harry. It didn't work. The baby kept on crying. He tried again, and this time it worked.

"Give him to me," Dumbledore said, taking Harry without Hagrid having to give him to him.

He and McGonagall walked to the door of 4 Privet Drive.

"Are you sure that you can just leave him here?" she said. "For the next ten years, he'll be treated like a... a..."

"Just say it," he said.

"A slave."

Fifteen houses away, a family of racist black people were sleeping. Suddenly, they the all woke up.

"Did I just hear the 's' word?" the husband asked.

"You mean 'shit'?" The three-year-old boy asked.

"No, and don't even say that again?"

"'Shit'?"

"That's right. Let's go get those racial people."

With this, he took out a gun, and ran out of the house. The kids followed, armed with flying pans and slingshots and bazookas.

Back at 4 Privet Drive, Dumbledore and McGonagall were still talking.

"What would you rather do?" he asked. "Leave him here for free, or keep him with us and pay child support for two Sickles a month?"

"We'll keep him here," she answered after about .023 seconds of thinking.

With that, Dumbledore dropped Harry on the doormat, and carefully placed a letter on top of him.

Until that time, no one noticed the cigarette in McGonagall's hair until it caught on fire. She was screaming at the top of her lungs, and running in circles. She was screaming loud enough to wake up everyone on Privet Drive.

"SHUT UP!" Dumbledore shouted, louder than her scream. "YOU'LL WAKE UP THE MUGGLES!"

By now, almost every house on the block's lights were on.

"Let's get out of here."

With that, they Apparated, disappeared, to go back home. Unfortunately, the black man had shot McGonagall in her ear. That would explain that big tear in her ear that you see in the book and movie. You probably didn't notice it because there was no tear in her ear.

**I'll update as soon as possible. Send your reviews.**


	2. The Vanishing Transparent Wall

**Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection**

**The Vanishing Transparent Wall**

Ten years later, rapping on the door to his cupboard awakened Harry Potter. Then there was the sound of a doorbell ring.

"Get up, it's 8:34," Aunt Petunia yelled. "Now!"

Harry Potter got up, not completely awake. He followed Aunt Petunia into the kitchen. She opened the door so she could get in, and then slammed the door in Harry's face before he could enter. He was fully awake now.

(A/N: If you've ever seen "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story" you'll now where I got this from.)

"Hurry up, boy!"

When just when he was going to walk in, Dudley, a King Kong wannabe without wanting to be King Kong, came running past and into the kitchen, slamming the door in Harry's face again.

"Hurry up, boy, I want to eat!" Dudley yelled.

Finally, he pushed the door open to walk in, when all of a sudden it flew back and slammed in his face.

"HURRY UP, YOUR STUPID BOY, I'M HUNGRY!"

Harry finally got in, and was introduced the frying pan with bacon in it.

"Try not to cook the fat too much," Aunt Petunia said, somewhat nicely. "You know how Dudley likes to eat the fat."

"I know, Aunt Petunia," Harry said, putting the bacon on a pan, "but don't you think that's what's making him look like he swallow a bowling ball, which, need I remind you, we never got out of him?"

"Don't talk about my son like that!" Uncle Vernon cried.

"But he is fat!"

"So am I, but you don't talk about me."

"Yes I do."

"Well, I never hear you."

He turned his attention to Dudley.

"Open your presents, son," he said.

He chose a big red. Inside was a small package that looked just like the box it was in.

"That comes from the box factory. They make miniature models of boxes."

"Sweet," Dudley said.

In a blue one was a radio-controlled car.

"That one came from Uncle Lester. It was the only thing he could affort, and he didn't even buy it. Your aunt did, but he put it in the box."

"Awesome."

After waiting for what seemed like five minutes, he was done. Now they could head for the zoo.

When everyone was seated, Uncle Vernon stopped to talk to Harry.

"If you do anything, like make glass disappear on a Boa Constrictor exhibit and let go in the zoo, then I put you in the corner."

In the house, there was a special corner made just for Harry, because it was dusty and smelly. Harry got used to it, for he had been in it when he was a baby.

"Okay, Uncle Vernon," Harry said. "I will not won't not make nothing that isn't glass disappear."

"Good boy," he said, taking his place in the driver's seat.

"Dumbass," Harry whispered.

"What did you say?" Uncle Vernon yelled.

"I said 'dumbass'."

"Oh."

They reached London Zoo in ten minutes. In the Reptile House, they found a Boa Constrictor exhibit, and Harry made the glass disappear. Once they got back home, he was put in the corner.

"I told you it was magic," Harry said.

"For how long do I have to tell that there's no such thing as magic?" Uncle Vernon asked.

"Just now."

"Don't get smart with me."

"What's wrong with being smart?"

"You just don't get it, do you?"

"No."

"Go to your cupboard. I don't want to see you in my sight until three o'clock."

As Harry walked away, the clock struck three. Therefore, Harry stayed where he was in Uncle Vernon's sight.

"I meant four o'clock."

Harry went to his cupboard.

**That's the update. Keep reading. It gets better.**


	3. The Letters From Dumbledore I Mean No On

**Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection**

**The Letters From Dumbledore... I Mean No One**

It was a week since Harry deliberately made the glass on the Boa exhibit disappear. It was about time that the mail came, and he was sent to get it.

He looked at everything: bills, birthday invitations for the hippo-eater, a.k.a. Dudley, a Playboy magazine (Harry threw it in his cupboard even though it was Uncle Vernon's), and a letter that said:

MR. HARRY POTTER

SOMETHING

THE CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS

SOMETHING

(A/N: I don't know what it said on the line with "SOMETHING" written on them, and plus I don't have the book with me right know.)

He walked in, gave Uncle Vernon the mail, and kept his letter to open it when King Kong snatched it from him.

"Harry's got a letter, Harry's got a letter!" Godzilla roared.

"Please," Uncle Vernon said. "Who'd be writing to you besides that school that we didn't want you to know about for ten years?"

He looked at it, and was a letter from the school that they didn't want him to know about for... take a deep breath... ten years.

Immediately, he ripped the letter in two, put it in a conveniently place shedder on the floor, threw the places new door where two bulldogs ate them, and the neighbors then burnt their poop. It left a terrible smell all across the block.

Harry went outside so the Dursleys couldn't say anything to him.

"Why am I always treated like... like..."

He looked around to see if anyone was listening.

"A slave."

Just then, a football hit his head. He looked up to see a black boy, who we should name Dave, came running up to him. He was Harry's only friend, because they met the night that Harry was placed... sorry, DROPPED on the doorstep on 4 Privet Drive.

"Sorry, Harry," he said. "I just heard that 's' word and I went crazy, so I threw the football at you."

"Oh," Harry said. "You'll never believe what happened. I got my first letter, and Uncle Vernon ripped it up."

"Cool, I mean, cool, I mean, co- I feel sorry for you. Those people treat you like my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather."

"Like a slave?"

WHAM! Dave him punched him in the face, causing him to fall back.

"Sorry, I just don't like that word."

In the days that followed, Uncle Vernon tore up every letter that requested Harry into pieces.

Finally one day, while Harry was looking at the Playboy magazine that he hid in his cupboard, Uncle Vernon was drilling a plank on the mail slot. Aunt Petunia was right next to him.

"Are you sure that this is a good idea?" she asked. "How are we even going to get Dudley more Playboy magazines?"

"Internet," Uncle Vernon answered quickly.

"Oh, good."

The next day, when Uncle Vernon was heading for work, he saw that his car was covered with owls with sunglasses and diamond necklaces. That's when he noticed the letters.

He burnt them.

It was Sunday, a day when no mail came. Uncle Vernon was looking happier than ever, drinking his milk while watching T.V. A commercial had come on at that moment.

A little girl was playing with her mother in the park.

"My mom had breast cancer," she said, causing Uncle Vernon to spew out the milk in his mouth.

Instantly he changed the channel the moment the letters came flying in through the chimney.

"That's it!" he screeched. "We've moving to a Motel 6!"

"But we can't afford six dollars a night," Aunt Petunia pointed out.

"Fine. The worst place I can think of!"

The only thing that came to his mind at the moment was his house, until he got an idea.

**That's it. Keep sending your reviews.**


	4. Guess Who's Coming Home For Harry?

**Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection**

**Guess Who's Coming Home For Harry?**

They had moved to the worst place that anyone could think of: Detroit.

(A/N: I'm sorry, but this was the only city I could think of. After all, I do live here.)

They stayed at a Motel 5. Dave had come along for apparently no reason.

Once there, they went to sleep. Harry wished he had one of his letters. Uncle Vernon burned them all.

It was midnight, when all of a sudden, a big BANG! Hit the door!

"Oh, no," Dave yelled, "it's Godzilla!"

"Dudley's right there," Harry said, calmly.

"Oh, good, then we have nothing to worry about."

Suddenly, the door came crashing down. In the shape of Dudley, a man came into the house. This was Hagrid.

"Harry!" he said. "I 'aven't seen ya in a long time. I knew these people would treat ya bad, but I didn't know they'd burn ya!"

He had mistaken Dave for Harry.

"I-I ain't Harry," Dave said, frightened. "Kill him, he's Harry!"

Hagrid turned to Harry.

"Baked this for ya 'cause after all, it's yer birthday."

He pulled out a small box, which contained a green chocolate cake.

"I was just kidding about that 'I'm not Harry' stuff," Dave said.

Hagrid ignored him. He sat on the couch and started a fire in the barren fireplace.

"Who are you?" Harry asked.

"Something Hagrid," Something Hagrid said. "Keeper of keys and grounds at Hogwarts. I suppose you know about Hogwarts know, right?"

"No."

"No? Haven't you even wondered where your parents learned it all?"

"I have parents?"

"You're a wizard, Harry."

The strange, dramatic music started playing.

"Hold up!" Dave yelled, and the music stopped. "Now how come everytime something dramatic happens that music plays?"

Hagrid ignored him again. He handed Harry a letter. Harry opened it and read:

"Dear Consumer,

We hope that your year-long subscription of Playboy's go directly to your location-"

"Whoops," Hagrid said, snatched away the letter and played on a dresser.

"Hear you go," he said, handing him the real letter.

It said:

You should already know.

"He will not be going," Uncle Vernon said.

"And I suppose a big Muggle like yourself is gonna stop 'em, eh Grogle?"

Harry looked at him with an odd expression.

"Muggles are non-magic folks."

"So what's a Grogle?"

"A Grogle is a colonial term used by our ancestors to insult their masters."

Everyone was staring at Dave, because it was him that said it.

"What?"

"We won't have an old man who knows how to some rabbits into a hat get his hands on this boy," Uncle Vernon protested. "He's ours! We own him!"

Suddenly, a frying pan, obviously thrown by Dave, hit his head. He was knocked out. Everyone looked again at Dave.

"I don't like that statement," he said.

Just then, an alarming sound came from Hagrid's watch.

"Well time to go," he said. "Unless ya want to stay ya-"

Harry and Dave were already dressed.

"Well then come on."

As they left, Dave took the envelope, which Hagrid left on the dresser, and stuffed it in his pocket.

As they walked away, Hagrid had asked for the envelope back, but Dave denied that he had it, until Hagrid threatened to leave him with the Dursleys. He gave up the envelope.

(Dang, he thought.)

**Review please.**


	5. Damp, Dark Alley

**Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection**

**Damp, Dark Alley**

Hagrid, Harry, and Dave walked up to a bar which looked abandoned until they went inside.

There was lots of stuff going on in there. There were fights, drunken people dancing, karaoke, etc.

The three walked up to an old man behind the counter.

"Hello, Hagrid," he said. "The usual?"

"Not in front of the kids," Hagrid replied. "I'm taking Harry and his friend to get their school supply."

At that, everyone stopped doing what they were doing. They all looked at Dave.

"Kill him," he said, pointing to Harry. "He's Harry."

After everyone had shaken hands with Harry, Dave was steaming mad.

A man came from a corner, wearing a purple robe and thing on his head, to introduce himself.

"I-I-I-It's H-H-H-H-H-Harry P-P-P-P-Pot-t-t-t-ter," he stammered heavily like a broken record.

"Boys, this is Professor Quirrell," Hagrid said. "He teaches at Hogwarts; Defense Against the Dark Arts."

Harry stuck out his hand, but Quirrell wouldn't take it.

"Hey, isn't purple kind of a gay color for a man to wear?" Dave asked.

Quirrell looked at his robes, and had a look on his face that means he was about to cry. Hagrid pulled the two to a room with a brick wall in it.

"Who would be stupid enough to put a brick wall in a closet? And why do all these people know who Harry is and not me?"

Hagrid ignored him, as usual, and tapped the wall with his umbrella.

"I know the reason. It's because I'm black!"

Hagrid still ignored him.

Suddenly, the brick wall spread apart, revealing an alley full of people.

"Welcome to Diagon Alley," Hagrid said to the two.

They walked through while Harry looked around at the many places and people. It was magnificent.

"Why do why have to come here?" Harry asked.

"Because this is the only place in England where you can buy anything good," Hagrid answered. "Plus, you never go to K-Mart for this stuff. It's cheap and old stuff there."

"Yeah," Dave said. "That's why K-Mart went bankrupt."

Hagrid ignored him.

They went to a bank, called Gringotts, (A/N: Rowling came up with some creative, yet weird names.) and found the place filled with extremely ugly goblins.

The ugliest one, which resembled Michael Jackson, was up front.

"Harry, told him that you'd like to make a deposit," Hagrid told him.

"Why can't you tell him?" Harry asked.

"I don't like Michael Jackson. He reminds me of that movie 'Boogieman'."

"That movie was terrible."

"Man, you all are a bunch of sissies. I'll tell him," Dave said, bravely scared.

He walked up to him, shaking and sweating, told him, and walked back, still sweating.

"He said to come to the underground passage," he said.

Later, they came to Harry's vault, and he got a vault full of gold! After getting what they needed, they went to Dave's vault, which only had one gold piece.

"It's because I'm black!"

Harry said he'd share his gold, which made Dave happy.

After getting everything they needed, they went to get a wand. Once inside the store, I don't know the name, a man named... sorry, I don't know his name either... came out from behind with some kind of white powder around his mouth.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"We come in peace," Dave said. "This is Harry, so kill him."

To his surprise, he shook Harry's hand, which made Dave very angry.

"Let's see what wand you need," the old man said.

After nearly destroying the place, Harry finally found a wand, and the dramatic music started playing.

"What the hell just happened?" Dave asked.

The old man, like Hagrid, ignored him.

"Very curious," the old man said.

"What's curious?" Harry asked.

"I'm saying that because it sounds dramatic for the movie, and because that wand's brother gave that scar."

"Who was their mother?"

"A disturbed person. He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named that shall not be named, did great things. I don't know why I said that. I just know it sounded cool."

There was a knock on the door. Hagrid was outside holding a cage with a white owl in it.

"Happy birthday, Harry!" he said.

Later, they were eating lunch at the bar when Harry asked the question.

"He killed my parents didn't he? The one who gave me this scar?"

"Harry," Hagrid said after pausing, "not all wizards are good. There's Michael Jackson, George Bush, Dr. Phil, the guys who made 'Pootie Tang'-"

"What about He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named?"

"Well his name is-"

He stopped.

"Can you write it down."

"No, I can't spell it. His name is _Bob_!"

"Bob?"

"Shut up!"

Harry shut up.

"It was dark times. Bob and his followers always wanted to kill your parents. When you came you ruined everything. He killed them, and tried to kill you, but he couldn't for some reason we'll never understand."

Harry stood silent. Bob killed his parents and then tried to kill him? Why?

The next day, the went to King's Cross Station.

"Well, here's your tickets," Hagrid said, handing Harry and Dave their tickets.

Harry read his, and it said:

Go to Platform 9 ¾

Hogwarts Express

"Hagrid," Harry asked, "there's no such thing as platform 9 ¾, is there?"

Harry looked up, but Hagrid was gone.

"Dave?" Harry asked Dave, "where'd Hag-"

Dave was gone, too.

"Steve," Harry asked his imaginary friend, "where's-"

Steve was gone, too.

"Help, somebody," Harry yelled.

"I'm over here!" Dave yelled.

Harry ran after him.

**Keep sending your reviews; they're really helpful.**


	6. Journey From Platform 9 Plus 5 Equals 2

**Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection**

**Journey From Platform 9 Plus 5 Equals 2**

Harry and Dave walked down King's Cross with their luggage on trolleys. They couldn't find the Platform 9 ¾ anywhere. They found Platform 9 and 10, but not Platform 9 ¾.

"Excuse me," Harry asked a man, "do you know where Platform 9 ¾ is?"

"9 ¾? You think you're funny, do you?" the man said.

"Yes," Harry said.

"Ha, ha, ha, very funny."

"Really?"

"Of course not."

"But you were laughing."

"I was faking."

"But you were still laughing."

"What does that mean?"

"That means you think I'm funny."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do."

Dave pulled him away from the argument.

They overheard someone talking.

"-Packed with Muggles as usual-"

They followed the family who had said it when they stopped.

"Alright, Percy," the woman, obviously the mother, said to the oldest boy. "You first."

Percy walked over to a brick wall, pressed a button, and an elevator door opened and let him in.

After two twins, Fred and George, had gone through, the youngest boy was left.

"Excuse me," Harry asked politely, "but how do you-"

"Get on the Platform?" the mother said. "Don't worry about it, it's Ron first year too."

Ron had red hair like every other member of their family.

"Just press the button on the left," she said, "make sure no one is watching, and then get on the elevator."

This would be difficult. Muggles everywhere were watching. But they didn't seem to notice the elevator, so it wasn't that hard. Soon he was on the Platform and on the train, called the Hog Farts Express (get it while it hot), and on his way to Hogwarts.

Later, while on the train, the same red hair came and asked Harry and Dave if he could sit in their compartment. They let him.

"My name is Ron Weasley," he said.

"I'm Dave, and this is Harry, so kill him," Dave said directly.

"Do you have the...the..." Ron said to Harry.

Harry showed him his scar.

"Not that the-"

Harry pulled out a large cap that said "Krazy Kirate Kaptains".

"Cool."

Unfortunately, the three K's were above and below each other, and Dave had punched Harry.

A trolleys came by carrying a whole bunch of sweets. Harry bought some of everything, which I will not name, and shared it with Ron...and Dave.

"Damn straight," Dave said.

They tried some of Bernie Mac's Every Flavor Beans and got the following flavors:

Meat pie, dirt, spit, cardboard, tree leaves, chocolate (A/N: Or so he thought.), gravy, black pepper (A/N: Dave had punched Harry again.), peanut butter, orange, and one that was turned out to be common vanilla until Harry swallowed it and his mouth was flaming with fire.

After a while, Ron wanted to show Harry and Dave a spell that he would use on his pet rat, Scabbers. When he was about to, a geeky looking girl came up to their compartment.

"Have any of you seen a West-African River toad? A cockamamie boy characterized as Neville has abstracted one."

"No," Harry said, not understanding a word she said.

"Oh, are you functioning magic?" she said. "Well let's appraise it."

Ron started to say his spell:

Who cares what he said, because it didn't work.

"Are you sure that's a effectual spell?" she asked. "It doesn't really amalgamate, does it? I've executed spells at home, and they worked for me. I wouldn't even be going to this school if I hadn't validated a letter from Dumbledore. We have a rife of books for school, and I've well-grounded them all by heart. I'm sure to do superb in Hogwarts."

Harry, Ron and Dave stared at Hermione for a long time.

"What the hell did you just say?" Ron asked.

"Sorry," she said. "My vocabulary is very elongated. I'm Hermione Granger by the way."

"I'm Ron."

"I'm Dave."

"I'm Harry Potter."

"Really?" Hermione asked. "I've read all about you. I tried to get very elaborate books, but-"

"Please, don't even get started," Ron said.

"Okay," she said. "We'll be arriving at Hogwarts soon, so get dressed into your robes. And you have dirt on your face, did you know that?"

She was talking to Dave, not realizing he was black. (A/N: He hit me for that.)

Then she walked away.

"Man," Ron said, "that girl is crazy."

"Cute too."

Harry and Ron looked at Dave.

"What?"

**Send your reviews. And if you're wondering how I knew all these words, I didn't I used the thesaurus. And if this chapter wasn't good enough, I'll make the next one better. Thanks.**


	7. The Cheap Hat From Wal Mart

**Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection**

**The Cheap Hat From Wal-Mart**

The Hogs Farts Express came to a stop. The students got out of the train and Hagrid, already outside, led them to about forty boats that led them to Hogwarts.

Hagrid rang the doorbell on the school entrance, and McGonagall answered it. Hagrid left the students to her.

"Welcome to Hogwarts," she said. "I a few moments you will be Sorting into your houses. The houses are Foxx, Eastwood, DiCaprio, and Jackson."

Harry recognized these names from somewhere, but you couldn't quite figure out where.

"During the school year, your houses will earn points or lose points. The house with the most points at the end year wins the House Cup. Now that we got that boring shit out of the way I'll be leaving."

She walked away.

"So it's true?" someone in the crowd of kids said. "Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts."

Harry turned around and saw that the speaker was a boy with ugly blond hair. _He looked so evil!_

"Yeah, that's me," he said.

"Hello, Harry Potter," the boy said. "I'd like you to meet my two friends, aka bodyguards. This is Ray, and this is Charles."

The boy didn't hear it, but Harry and Dave were looking silently to themselves.

"I'm Stevie," the boy said. "Stevie Wonder."

This time, Harry and Dave had burst out laughing, unable to control themselves.

"And this," Stevie said, pointing to an equally familiar girl, "is my girlfriend. Her name is Paris Hilton."

Harry and Dave fell to the ground, still shaking with loud laughter. Everyone was looking at them strangely, except the people who got the joke and were laughing too.

"What's so funny?" Stevie asked.

"You don't know?" Dave said, still laughing. "Ray Charles is the blind black man that practically invented R&B."

"He did invent R&B," Harry corrected him.

"Shut up, I'm talking," Dave said. "Anyway, Stevie Wonder is another blind black man, and he was a good musician as well. And Paris Hilton... well, she's just a whore, dude."

Stevie still didn't get the joke.

"Oh, yeah," Harry said. "They don't know about Muggle stuff."

"Well I know well enough you should be hanging around people like this," Stevie said, point a finger at Ron. "You don't want to make friends with the wrong sort."

"You mean you?"

"Yeah, see you're getting it. I hope you're in my house."

Later, McGonagall came back and led them to the Great Hall. There were other older students there waiting for them to arrive. They all piled up in front of an old hat. From there McGonagall called their names and they had to put the hat on so it could tell them what their house is.

"Hermione Granger."

She came up and put the hat on, and after thirty seconds it sent her over to the Foxx table.

Ron went up and he was sent there too.

Sometimes the hat sent them to their house immediately, while others took a long time. The hat was barely put on Stevie's head when it yelled, "Jackson!"

Finally when Harry was called up, the hat was put on him.

"Hmm, difficult, difficult," it said.

"Foxx, Eastwood, DiCaprio, or Jackson?" it said to itself.

"Don't pick Jackson," Harry said.

"Why not? You seem right for it you know. Jackson would lead you to the top, and you'd be famous, baby, famous!"

"No, please..."

"Damn," the hat said. "I guess it better be...Foxx!"

Everyone cheered, except the people at the Jackson table. Dave and Ron were Sorted into Foxx, too.

The table had magically made food appear on its plates and bowls and everyone started eating.

Soon the ghosts started coming out and greeting the students of the house. One came above the Foxx table.

"Hey I know who you are," Ron said. "You're Jimmy Hoffa."

"I prefer Jimmy if you don't mind," Jimmy said.

"Hey, how did you die?" Harry asked.

Before Jimmy could answer, a loud forhorn erupted for apparently no reason at all.

After the feast, the students were lead to their house dormitories by the prefects. Percy, Ron's older brother, led the Foxx students to a portrait of an old lady.

"Password?" she asked.

"_'Let us in, bitch!'_"

The portrait opened up, revealing a big room inside. Their stuff had already been put in the trunks in front of their beds, so no repacking had to be done.

"This isn't going to be so bad," Harry said to himself.

Or was it?

"No it isn't."

**Another chapter done. If you haven't already guessed, Foxx, Eastwood, and DiCaprio are the last names of the Best Actor nominees for the Oscars. Jamie Foxx won, thank God! Jackson is the last name of the child molester who went to court in his pajama bottoms. If this seemed offensive in anyway, please tell me now. It would mean so much to me.**


	8. The Farting Master

**Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection**

**The Farting Master**

Harry, Ron, and Dave ran as fast as they could to get to Transfigurations class; they were running late.

When they got there, all the other students were there already, and a cat was perched on the desk in the front of the room.

"Good thing McGonagall isn't here," Ron said, "or else she'd be having a B.F."

Instantly, the cat turned into McGonagall. Ron stood speechless.

"May I ask what a B.F. is Mr. Weasley?"

"It's a...a...Bacon...no, it's a...Buck Futter."

Big mistake. (A/N: This was taken off of one of Saturday Night Live's Jeopardy skits. I'm sure you can guess what he really said.)

"Well, Mr. Weasley," she said, very angry. "I'll see you in detention."

"OOOOOOOOOOO!" all the students yelled.

"Shut up!"

They shut up. They were like this until their next class, which was Potions. They were paired up with the Jacksons. Suddenly, a ugly man with Michael Jackson hair burst into the room. When he got to the front of the room, he noticed someone.

"Our new celebrity," he said.

Dave was about to bow, and another boy, conveniently named Tom Arnold, would have too, until the man finished his sentence, "Harry Potter."

"Yeah, so kill him," Dave said.

"Shut up, boy! We'll ask Mr. Potter some questions."

Harry stood up straight, ready for anything.

"Potter, where would a find a bezoar?"

Hermione had raised her hand and, surprisingly, so did Dave.

"In the stomach of a goat?" Harry said.

"Okay, that was a practice. What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"

"A sleeping potion so powerful that it is called the Draught of Living Death?"

"That was another practice. Now here's the real deal: What is the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?"

"They just have different names. They're both the same plant called aconite."

Snape stood surprised. He didn't expect him to know so much. (A/N: It was actually written on his hand.)

"Well, I'll be damned," Snape said in an angry whisper before yelling, "YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART! Well you won't get this one. What is the square root of one million?"

"A thousand?"

"DAMMIT!"

Afterwards, Harry asked Dave, "Did you really know the answer to those questions back there?"

"No," he confessed. "I was just trying to impress Hermione."

Harry was dumbstruck.

The class went smoothly enough then they were on to their first flying lesson. Their teacher would be Ms. K. Rotch.

"Now," she said once they were all next to their brooms, "hold your hand out over your broom, and say 'up'."

Harry and Stevie's broom came right into their hands, while the rest of the class had a little bit of trouble.

"Come on, you stupid broom!" a boy named Neville yelled.

Big mistake; the broom went wild! First, it came into Neville's hand, but then hit him in the ballsack. Before he could give out a yelp of pain, the broom had hit him in the face. Then, while Neville was still holding it, the broom flew into a wall, causing Neville to crash. Next, the broom flew into the air, and shook so suddenly that Neville let go and started to fall. Luckily, a lamppost caught him, yet unfortunately, it caught him by his underwear, giving him a painful wedgie.

He stayed there until his underwear finally ripped and he fell to the ground. Since his underwear was still hanging on the lamppost, the girls who saw it gave out either giggles or groans. Ms. K. Rotch ran to see what was hurt.

"Broken wrist and hemorrhoids," she said. "Everyone stay on the ground. If I catch a single person on his broom, they'll be out of here before you can say 'Quidditch'."

"Quiddit-" Dave started, but Ms. K. Rotch had already stepped in front of him pointing a finger.

"That's what I thought," she said before taking Neville to the hospital wing.

Stevie had picked up Neville's Remembrall.

"Give that here, Stevie," Harry said.

"No," he said. "I'll leave somewhere where Longbottom can find it. Like in the toilet."

"I'll put it in there for you," said a very fat boy named Fatty. "I gotta go anyway."

He let out a loud fart, making anyone behind him faint. Stevie had a disgusted look on his face.

"Never mind. I'll throw it on the roof."

With that, you mounted his broomstick and took off.

A few miles away, a group of hunters were walking through the woods, unaware that they were on Hogwarts school ground. One of them saw Stevie.

"Holy shit!" he yelled. "It's an eagle."

"Where?" the leader asked before he saw it. "Shoot it! Shoot!"

The man shoot Stevie, making him fall off his broom, dropping the Remembrall in the process.

Before Harry got on his broom, Hermione said, "No, Harry, you'll get in trouble."

"Yeah," Dave said, taking Hermione's side. "Listen to theHerm. For some reason that didn't sound right."

Harry jumped on his broom and took off after the Remembrall, letting Stevie fall. He caught it, and landed near the students to be graded.

One student gave him a 10.

Another gave him an 8.

The third gave him a 9.

The fourth gave him a 10.

The fifth gave him a 1, but was immediately shot by the man who shot Stevie.

"HARRY POTTER!"

Harry saw Professor McGonagall running towards him in a bathrobe.

"Come with me."

"But-"

"I said come!"

Harry had no choice. He walked with McGonagall, trying to ignore Stevie's tooth-missing grin and Ray and Charles's laughing. He was also trying to ignore Hermione.

"Nobody ever listens to me!" she said. "I'm glad I'm not the one with bad luck here."

She didn't take this view for long, because the wind had blown Neville's underwear off of the lamppost and into her face. Some students laughed as she screamed andran around in circle not knowing where she was going until finally hitting the wall.

She took him to where Defense Against the Dark Arts Class would take place where Quirrell was teaching.

"Quirrell," she called. "Call I borrow wood for a moment?"

"S-s-s-s-s-s-s-ure-e-e-e-e-," he stammered.

She went inside and gave three logs from the room.

"Hold these," she said to Harry, dropping the heavy logs in his arms.

"Wood," she called again.

A fifth year boy came out of the classroom.

"Yes?" he said.

"Oliver," she said excitedly. "I've found you a Seeker."

She pointed to Harry, who had fallen over because the logs wereso heavy.

**There you have it. Thanks for the reviews. I'm working on "Harry Potter and the Broom Closet of Brooms" as I write this. Therefore, it will be well made by the time it's one the site. **

**Also, if you didn't get some of the jokes, here are some hints:**

**Take the "ck" and "tt" in Buck Futter and switch them into the opposite places.**

**Herm for hermaphrodite. Look it up.**

**Sure, it's a little vulgar, or I just worry too much. ****Thanks again!**


	9. The Third Floor Corridor the only normal

**Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection**

**The Third-Floor Corridor (the only normal title in this whole story)**

"Seeker?" Ron said as he, Harry, and Dave walked aimlessly during break. "You must be the youngest Seeker in... about..."

"A year," Harry said. "I'm assuming that's how long it's been."

Just then, George and Fred, Ron's older twin brothers, came behind them.

"Well done, Harry," George said. "Wood told us all about it."

"They're on the team, too," Ron said. "Beaters."

"Our job is to make sure that you don't get bloodied up too much," Fred said. "We probably won't be protecting you so you might want to get insurance."

"That's very helpful," Dave said, his voice filled with sarcasm.

"That's the spirit," George said, not understanding the sarcasm.

They went away, and Harry and Ron went in the open space.

"I don't know how to play Quidditch," Harry said. "I don't even know how to spell it. What if I make I foul out of myself?"

"Don't worry, you will," Hermione, who had been following them the whole time, said. "But at least you'll do it with style."

"How do you know?"

"Follow me."

With that, she lead them to the trophy room to the Quidditch awards. Harry's father's name was on the Seeker plaque.

"Why didn't you tell me your dad was a Seeker too?" Ron asked.

"Why do you think?" Harry asked.

"I don't think, I just listen, but then I forget," Ron said.

Later, they starting walking up the stairs when the staircase started to move.

It stopped in front of a door, which obviously was the third floor corridor that Dumbledore had forbidden them from from going into because it had a sign on the door that said, "Misery and Death Have Many Roommates. Come On In, and Join the Club", but they ignored it.

"Do you feel like we shouldn't be here?" Ron said.

"Of course we should be here," Hermione said. "It's forbidden."

As they walked in deeper, they heard the sound of someone's voice. It was Argus Filch.

"Who's in here?" he called.

"Run!"

The four kids went running to the end of the corridor, where a door, conveniently with a sign that read "Beware of Dog". Ron tried to open it but it was locked. Hermione opened it easier because it was a push door and not a pull like Ron thought.

Once inside, they found themselves looking at the most terrible thing that anyone could think of in the history of dogs: a Chihuahua! (A/N: Hey, everyone runs from Chihuahuas, even though they don't do anything, so don't complain.)

They ran out, screaming the whole way they went to the Foxx Tower.

"What are they thinking?" Ron yelled once they were safe. "Keeping a dog like that in the school!"

"You obviously don't use your eyes, do you?" Hermione said in a calm voice. "Didn't you see what it was heading on?"

"Why would I be looking at it's feet when it's head is one inch above it? That's what you've got to pay attention to!"

"It was standing on a trap door. It's obviously guarding something."

Harry and Ron just stared while Dave nodded in agreement even though, obviously, he didn't agree.

"Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to bed before either of you get another idea to get us killed, or worse: expelled."

With that, she walked away.

"Wait a minute," Dave said, confused. "Did she just say that getting expelled was worse than getting killed? She's confusing me."

A few days later in Charms class (A/N: I'm skipping the lecture on Quidditch.), they were learning the Levitating Spell.

"Remember, swish and flick," Professor Flipshit said. "Then go _Wingardium Leviosa_."

The whole class tried and failed, except Hermione, who everyone now hated for doing so, except Dave, who did the spell to impress by placing a fan under his desk and using it to levitate his feather.

Later outside, Harry, Ron, and Seamus, who had blown himself up, were talking.

"Man, no wonder she doesn't have any friends," Ron said. "She's a nightmare."

Just then, someone pushed pass Ron and ran away.

"I think she heard you," Harry said.

**One more chapter for the story. Not my best, that's for sure, but the next one is going to be good, I promise. Send your reviews, and thanks!**


	10. Homer Simpson Like Character No Not Dudl...

**Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection**

**Homer Simpson-Like Character (No, Not Dudley)**

It was Halloween, and everyone was at the feast in the Great Hall. Harry, Ron, and Dave were noticing that Hermione's usual spot was empty.

"Hey," Harry said to Neville, "where's Hermione?"

"She spent the whole afternoon in the bathroom," he said. "She's been crying."

"How do you know?" Dave asked. "Do you go in the girls' bathroom?"

Fortunately, he didn't have to answer, because at that precise moment, Professor Quirrell came running in the Great Hall screaming like a little girl.

"TROLL!" he shouted. "Troll in the dungeon! Thought you ought to know."

He fainted. The whole Great Hall was thrown into pandemonium as students ran around in circles until Dumbledore shouted.

"Prefects, take your students to your house Tower," Dumbledore said.

As they walked, Harry, Ron, and Dave were talking.

"How did Dudley get all the way here?" Harry asked.

"Maybe it's just King Kong," Dave said.

"That's Dudley, too," Harry pointed out.

"Wait a minute. What about Hermione?"

"Oh, fuck her," Ron said.

At that instant, Dave had punched Ron in the face.

"Don't ever say anything like that about Hermione!" Dave yelled.

"Okay, okay, we'll go find her," Ron said, not wanting to get punched again.

They ran down the corridors until seeing a huge shadow ahead. They hid behind a corner, hoping it wouldn't see them. It went inside a room; the girls' bathroom where Hermione was.

Inside the bathroom, Hermione was sitting in one of the stalls, still crying. She was about to get up when a huge club swung over her head. The troll had found her!

Before it could sing again, it made a disgusted look.

"Ugh," it said. "You stink! What have you been eating? It smells like someone died. No wait, that's not bad enough... Wait, I've got it. You smell like a dog that died with diarrhea."

"How dare you!"

She didn't say anything else, because her stink was doing a good job of keeping the troll away. Each time it tried to move closer, the stink pushed it back. Finally, when it became too strong, mostly because Hermione had let out a silent one, it fainted.

Harry and Ron came in to see what happened. The troll was lying on the ground unconscious.

"Good job, Hermione," Harry congratulated her.

That's when he caught a sniff of the dead rat's home smell. He fainted, and soon after, so did Dave and Ron. Actually, Dave was still conscious, saying it smelled good.

The teachers had come running in to see what happened when they all suddenly fainted. It had been three hours before Harry, Ron, and the teachers woke up.

"Explain yourselves," McGonagall said strictly.

"It's my fault, Professor," Hermione said so the boys wouldn't have to. "I went looking for the troll, and tried to fight it. If Harry and Ron-"

Dave cleared his throat very loudly.

"-and Dave hadn't come, I would be dead."

"Well," McGonagall said, "I hope you're proud of yourself. You've not only defeat a troll, which I'll give you five points each for doing, but you've given the school a stinking smell, which I'll take ten points off for. Now get to your dormitories. And Ms. Granger, clean your self off before doing so."

The boys made it to the dormitories in no time. Hermione came afterwards, much cleaner now, and went straight to her dormitory after saying, "Thanks" to the boys.

"I hope we never have to do anything like that again," Dave said.

"Of course we will," Harry said. "We've got six more books and movies after this."

"That sucks."

**After ten hours of thinking, I'm continuing the story. I figured, which is probably very sad, that it takes a smart person to write a stupid, yet funny, story. That's my philosophy, and send your reviews.**

** I used up my "you can only use the 'f' word once in a PG-13 story" pass up, so that won't be used anymore. **

**Oh, yeah, before I forget, due to a couple of factors that were necessary to the storyline, and because I'm just a twisted person, the sequel will be rated R. Thanks!  
**


	11. The Sport With Brooms In It

**Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection**

**That Sport With Brooms In It**

It was the fall, and the first Quidditch game was about to begin that day. Harry was staring at his food when he noticed Snape walk by, limping on a bloody leg.

"That explains the blood," Harry said to himself.

"Hey!" Dave yelled at him. "Do you mind? Some people are trying to eat, and what are you doing? Mentioning blood (some students heard him and got an uneasy feeling in their stomachs), guts (their stomachs churned some more), ass (they made some sickening groaning sounds), and spit!"

The students that heard him went got up from their seats and went to throw up.

"I'm just saying that I think Snape tried to get past that vicious monster dog in that corridor," Harry said. "He got bitten, and now he's limping."

"And that means what to us?" Hermione asked.

"At Gringotts, Hagrid got something out a secret vault. He wouldn't tell me what it was because it was secret."

"So you're saying-"

"That's what the dog's guarding."

Suddenly, from overhead, Hedwig came flying into the Great Hall. She had something big and long in her clutches that she held onto pretty tight. She dropped into, and the front of the passage slammed into the side of Ron's head. He fell sideways, and no one seemed to notice.

"Let's open it," Dave said.

They opened it, and it was a Numbus Two Thousand. Obviously it was from McGonagall, even though she couldn't afford it. Dumbledore bought it, but the writer was too lazy to put that in. (A/N: I'm just kidding.)

Finally, the match was about to start. The Quidditch players of Foxx came walking to the field. Harry was quite nervous.

"Nervous Harry?" Wood asked.

"Yeah," Harry.

"I felt the same my first Quidditch game."

"What happened?"

"I don't remember very well. All I remember is that my butt was hurting really bad, and my friends told me the broom had gotten in it."

"Surprisingly, that doesn't make me feel better."

"Yeah, me either."

Finally, the doors opened, and the team flew out of their brooms.

They were all in formation when the flying teacher, Ms. K. Rotch came out releashed all the balls from the container.

Once the game started it was all disorder; Harry couldn't find the Snitch anywhere, George and Fred kept hitting the Bludgers at their own teammates, and the Chasers kept getting their balls stolen, even though they were good female players.

Harry saw the Snitch, but then his broom shook so violently that he nearly fell off.

Hermione and Ron were below watching. Hermione looked over to the Slytherin section to see Snape muttering something while looking at Harry.

"It's Snape," she told Ron. "He's jinxing the broom. I'll be right back."

"Don't hurry, I'm enjoying this," Dave said looking at Harry while eating popcorn.

When Hermione got to Snape's section, she took out her wand and set the back of his robe on fire. Unfortunately, he farted, since he's the great Farting Master, and the blast combined with the fire and the flame blow Hermione forcefully into the wall. When she looked up, the seats had all crumbled into ashes, and everyone there was covered in it. They all saw Hermione, who ran away before they could actually get her.

Harry was back on his broom, and flew where the Snitch was flying. He caught it, and won the game for Foxx.

Later on, the four were talking with Hagrid during their break.

"Why would Snape try to bewitch Harry's broomstick?" Hagrid asked.

"Why did he try to get pass that monster dog on Halloween?"

"Who told you about Biscuit?"

"Biscuit?"

"He's mine. Bought some time ago, gave him to Dumbledore to guard the-"

"Yes?"

"Never mind."

"What's Chicken Wing got to do with all this?"

"His name is Biscuit, and I'll just tell you know. What even he is guarding is between Dumbledore and Nicholas Nerd."

"Who's that?"

Hagrid didn't answer.

**This is one of the main reasons I have to make the sequel R-rated. It's hard to keep a PG-13 level when dealing with scenes like this. I think I'm getting that disease where the writer is writing a comedy, and his/her jokes get less funny. I hope I don't have that. Otherwise, review and thanks again!**


	12. The Mirror of Erased It

**Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection**

**The Mirror Of Erased It**

It was almost Christmas, and everyone was getting ready. Some students were leaving Hogwarts for the holidays while others were staying.

Hermione had packed up all of her things and was ready to go home for the holidays. She found Harry and Ron in the Great Hall playing Wizards' Chess.

"You guys are staying then?" she asked.

"Yep," Ron said.

"I've been trying to make some of my own spells, and some of them turned out very well."

Hermione took out a clear jug full of water and her wand.

"For example, I've learned how to turn water to wine."

Harry and Ron gasped.

"What?"

"Hermione," Ron said surprised. "Are you comparing yourself to Jesus Christ!"

"No," she said. "I just know how to turn water to wine."

Suddenly, Jesus appeared among them.

"So," he said, "you're comparing yourself to my authorities, are you?"

"No, I just-"

"Shut up! Feel my mighty wrath!"

He put his hands together in prayer. After he prayed, he disappeared.

"What was that all about?" Harry asked.

"I don't know," Hermione said, "but I do feel a little weird. It's probably nothing. Well, I'm see you guys later."

"Bye," the boys said as she walked away.

The next day, it was Christmas. Harry, Dave, and Ron had gone downstairs to open their presents.

Ron opened his first; his first present was from Hermione: it was a book called Chicken Soup for the Mentally Challenge.

"Who wants to read about dumb kids eating soup?" Ron said.

(A/N: I did a Pac-Man cartoon and this joke was in it.)

He threw it into the fireplace. Far away, Hermione was skiing with her parents. The moment that Ron threw the book into the fire, she felt a great pain in her chest and lost her balance, causing her to roll all the way down the mountain.

After Ron was done, Dave opened his; he got one gallon and a toothpick.

"IT'S BECAUSE I'M BLACK!"

Harry opened his, and he got an Invisibility Cloak.

"Wow!" Ron exclaimed. "Who gave you that?"

"I don't know," Harry said. "The note just says 'Use it well'."

Dave was the first to notice the price tag. It read "I Couldn't Afford It, So I Stole It. Return This To: Albus Dumbledore."

Dave didn't say anything about it to Harry because he didn't want him to acknowledge that his dad was a good-for-nothing thief.

Harry tested on the Invisibility Cloak, which he named Palm because Invisibility Cloak is a mouth full to say, to go to the Restricted section of the library to search for Nicholas Nerd. He went in and browsed the shelves for something on Nerd.

As he scanned, his eyes caught a title that said "Girls!" His curiosity, and pervertity, got the best of him, and he took out the book and opened it.

"Hey," a picture inside said. "Stop peeking in here!"

It had spoken so loudly that anyone inside could hear it.

"Who's in here?"

It was Filch!

Harry ran as fast as he could to get away.

"Who's been looking at my porn…I mean, my brother's porn that he 'trusted' me to 'keep an eye, or two, on'."

Harry ran into a hall and ran into Mrs. Norris. He was so frightened that he kicked her like a football out of a window.

Now he was really in trouble! He ran out of the hall into a room with a mirror in it. He looked at it and there were his parents. They looked so happy to see him.

Harry felt his imaginary mom's hand on his shoulder.

"Harry," his dad said. "Did I ever tell you what happened to your brother?"

"I have a brother?" Harry asked.

"Yes. Dave is your brother."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Harry, shut up!"

Harry turned around to see Professor Dumbledore staring at him strangely.

"What are you doing down here?"

"Nothing."

"It looks to me like you just found out the magic of the Mirror of _Zapped!_"

"What?"

"This mirror's power to show us our worst nightmares. Obviously, Dave being your brother is a bad thing."

"Well, he says he's my brother."

"He's speaking in black terms."

"Oh."

"Well, you better go off to bed, because in the morning we're going to move the mirror into an easily discoverable area that is so stupid that you can't find it."

"That's stupid."

"Nothing is suppose to make sense in this story."

"You're right. Wait. What were you doing down here?"

Dumbledore was silent for a long time.

"Also nothing."

"Fair enough."

They both went away off to bed.

**Sorry for the long wait and bad chapter. I haven't been able to get to this for a while. I'm trying to get it back in shape as soon as possible. **


	13. Norman the Weirdlooking Dragon

**Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection**

**Norman the Weird-looking Dragon**

It was exam season, which meant everyone needed to study for his or her exams… apparently.

Harry was studying, but Ron was playing with his trading cards and Dave was smoking a weed cigarette. You might imagine that the instant Hermione appeared he snatched it out of his mouth and flicked it away. Unfortunately, it landed in a girl's shirt in her chest area. Dave swung open his book and randomly turned to a page.

"Look at you," Hermione said disapprovingly as she glared at Ron. "Playing with your cards. Why can't you be more like Dave? He studies!"

At this Dave had said, "Yeah, Ron. I'm the black guy, so I'm the one who shouldn't be studying."

Ron just stared at him for a long time.

"Never mind."

Harry was looking at one of Ron's cards when he noticed in big letters in said: NICHOLAS FLAMEL.

"This is it!" Harry said excitedly. "Nicholas Flamel worked with Dumbledore."

"Than this means," Hermione started, only to stop and run to the library.

Harry, Ron and Dave followed.

Once they got there, they found Hermione looking in the "EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT NICHOLAS FLAMEL" section.

"I had you looking in the wrong section," she said, slamming an enormous book on one of the table nearby.

The book was called What Nicholas Flamel has to do with what Hagrid said to you November.

"See here. It says Nicholas Flamel is the creator of the Nerd's Rock Collection."

"What?" the boys quoted simultaneously.

"Don't you guys read?" she asked.

"No, I don't read," Dave explained. "Most of the kids in my old neighborhood didn't even know how to read."

"I understand you Dave, I'm talking about these goofballs in front of me. Anyway, the Nerd's Rock Collection consists of only one rock because the Editors of this story were too cheap to buy any more. It makes anyone who has it live forever."

"Then that means Hagrid knows something," Harry said.

So that night, they ran to Hagrid's hut (without an Invisibility Cloak, those stupid, little bastards!) to talk to him. They knocked on his door fifteen times before he answered.

"Go away," he said.

Before he closed it they yelled, "We know about the Nerd's Rock Collection!"

"Not convinced," he said.

"We know about your girlfriend!" Dave yelled.

At this, Hagrid opened the door and let them in.

Later, they talked about the Rock Collection.

"So there are other things besides Bagel guarding it?" Harry asked.

"Her name is Biscuit, and yes there is," Hagrid said. "The teachers are protecting as well."

"Even Snape?"

"Yes. I can't believe it either."

Suddenly, a "thump-thump-thump" noise came from a pot on the fire. Hagrid took it out and put it on the table.

"Wow, a dragon egg," Ron said. "Where did you get it?"

"eBay," Hagrid said.

"You must be pretty poor if you get your things from eBay," Dave said.

Suddenly, the egg exploded. A dragon was now lying where the egg was.

"Hello, Norman," Hagrid baby-talked to his new baby. "He knows his mummy."

"You're gay?" Hermione asked.

"Shut up. Who's that?"

Everyone turned around to see Stevie Wonder in the window. He darted away once he was discovered.

"We better get out of here," Hermione said, and they all left.

On the way to the Foxx Tower, they ran into Professor McGonagall. She took them to her office where Stevie was waiting for them, grinning.

"Since you disobeyed the rules, I'm taking ten points from Foxx," she said.

"Ten!" Harry screeched.

"Fine, ten more."

"What?"

"Twenty."

"But-"

"Thirty."

"B-"

"Twenty."

"…"

"Ten."

"…"

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Thirty. And ten more before you even start to make it an odd number."

"But it's an even number."

"Ten. And be thankful it isn't more. You four will serve your punishment tomorrow night."

"Four?" Stevie asked.

"Yes," McGonagall said. "You were out of bed, too."

"Damn."

"What did you say?"

"Damn."

"For your honesty, I'll add ten points to Jackson, but I'll take ten points away for swearing."

"Dang."

"Ten more points for almost swearing."

"Shit."

"Forty."

"D-"

"Go to your houses!" she screamed before he could say anything else.

**Another bad chapter; this story is getting harder to parody. Please review. **


	14. The Focking Forest

**Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection**

**The Focking Forest**

The five children (Dave didn't get a detention because he was black and therefore innocent, but tagged along anyway because…I don't know why.) follow Filch down to Hagrid's hut where Hagrid was there waiting for them.

"Hello children," he said. "Who's ready for a night of learning and education?"

Silence. Only Hermione raised her hand. This was a big mistake because when she did, Hagrid took out a pistol and shot her in the shoulder.

"Too bad, because that's not happening. Now let's move."

They all followed Hagrid into the forest.

It was two hours before they stopped. Hagrid had noticed some silvery liquid on the ground.

"Do you know what this is?" Hagrid asked.

"Something you get when you know you've become a man?" Dave asked.

"Close enough. It's unicorn blood. Now we're gonna split into groups. Hermione. Ron. You two stick together, and I don't mean in that way."

"Damn," Ron said while Hermione gave a sigh of relief.

"Me and Fang will stay together. Harry and Stevie will be with each other."

"What about me?" Dave asked. "You're just gonna let the black man go off on his own and get eaten, huh?"

"No, I forgot-"

"Yeah, just forget about the black man. Let him go off and get killed by some aliens in the jungle. I saw that movie 'Predator'. Both the black guys were alone, and both of them died. 'Jurassic Park'. The first person that died was black. 'The Matrix Reloaded'. Gloria Foster died. And don't get me started on that documentary on Emment Till."

"What about 'Star Wars'?" Harry asked. "No black people died on there."

"The black crew members died."

"Fine," Hagrid sighed. "You go with Hermione, and Ron you come with me. All right let's move."

Once they started moving, Harry and Stevie followed the signs (Dead Unicorn display to your left) and found the dead unicorn being eaten by a homeless man.

"I guess those people don't get much food at home," Stevie said. "It's better than slaving over-"

WHAM! Dave came out of nowhere and kicked Stevie in the head.

"Don't ever use that word again!" he yelled, and then ran away.

Suddenly, the homeless man was scared away by a talking horse.

"Harry Potter," it said, "you must leave. This place is not safe at night."

"Why?" Harry asked.

The horse stops for a second before taking out the script and skimming it for his lines.

"Bob is here," it said.

There was a very long silence. Just then, the others showed up.

"This is where I leave you, Harry Potter," the horse said. "You're safe now."

The horse ran away.

"What the hell just happened?" Harry asked.

When they were back in the Foxx Tower, they were discussing Bob.

"If Bob is here, then I'm in grave danger," Harry said.

"Please don't say Bob," Ron pleaded.

"Why?"

"Have you ever seen 'The Incredibles'?"

"Yeah, I hated that movie," Hermione said. "It made Dreamworks look like Paris Hilton porn."

"Yeah, but Elastigirl was pretty hot," Dave said. "With that big, juicy a-"

"Please! Let's just get back to the subject of Bob," Harry shouted.

"But Harry," Hermione explained, "Bob won't come if Dumbledore is here, so you're safe for now."

"Oh yeah."

…………………

"I guess that's it until the next chapter," Dave said.

**Sorry I haven't updated. I had three thing going on: (1) School Finals (2) I forgot (3) I'm working on a satire on 'The Incredibles', which is why it is mentioned in the story. I'm trying to get back on track, so please don't hurt me. Thanks!**


	15. This Never Happened

**Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection**

**This Never Happened**

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Dave walked over to Hagrid's house the next day. Hagrid was there, playing his flute.

"Hagrid," Harry asked, "did you happen to get a look the guy who gave you that dragon egg?"

"Not really," Hagrid said. "He looked kind of like Michael Jackson, so I turned away."

"Good thinking," Dave replied.

"Did he ask about Donut at all?" Ron asked.

"HIS NAME IS BISCUIT!"

The whole school heard Hagrid's cry, and everyone became silent.

"Donuts!" a donut salesman called out. "Get your flash Donuts!"

BANG! Hagrid shot him in the shoulder.

"Anyway, I told him that if you play music, Waffle would go to sleep."

"It's Biscuit," Harry said.

"DON'T CORRECT ME, BOY!" Hagrid yelled, grabbing Harry by the neck and throwing him into the school.

Moments later, the kids run to Professor McGonagall's office to find it locked.

"She has to be somewhere," Hermione said. "Let's look somewhere else."

Before they leave, they heard bumping noises coming from the room. Then they hear Professor McGonagall yelling out someone's name. Once they hear it well, they find out she was yelling Snape's name!

"Run!"

The four children ran away so their ears would forget what they heard and their brains would not create images in their minds.

"If McGonagall can't help us, then we'll do something ourselves."

"McGonagall?" Dave said. "I thought we were looking for Dumbledore."

"Oh, yeah," Hermione realized.

"Wow," Harry said in awe. "Snape and McGonagall doing-"

"Shut up!" Ron yelled. "I'd rather kill myself than listen to that rubbish."

"Well, let's see it."

"See what?"

"Let's see you kill yourself."

"I'm not really going to kill myself."

"Snape and McGonagall-"

"SHUT UP!"

**I updated finally. This may not be the best chapter (which it isn't), but the next chapter will have to be delayed. Just letting you know so you don't kill me. Thanks!**


	16. Let the Games Begin

**Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection**

**Let the Games Begin**

Harry, Ron, Dave, and Hermione snuck into the Foxx common room before they heard Neville running out.

"Stop," he shouted. "You'll lose us some more points again."

"Neville, you don't want to make me hurt you," Hermione warned.

"Do your worst!"

Hermione pulled out her wand and aimed it at Neville's private area.

"**Crab**ulous **Herpe**dos," she said.

Suddenly, Neville stood very still. Then, without warning, he screamed.

"Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me!"

"Would you like me to preform the counter curse?"

"Please!"

"Too bad. Let's go."

The four walked away from the now infested boy. He grabbed his own wand, aimed it at "the area" and yelled, "Get rid off these bugs!"

A fire bolt came out of the wand and it's pretty much self-explainatory (aside from the fact that this is rated PG-13).

They made it passed Cookie (Biscuit) and found the first challenge.

They had to jump across a one foot gap in the ground. Harry made it, then Hermione, Dave, but then Ron got stuck.

The second challenge was fairly easy. They had to run away from a huge, rocky golf ball about the size of a golf ball! Harry out ran it, so did Hermione, Dave, but it hit Ron.

The third challenge was the hardest of them all. They had to watch a Paul W. S. Anderson movie! (You know, that er who made that horrible _Alien vs. Predator _and _Resident Evil_. The only one who made it pass was Ron, who was disqualified for using sunglasses and earplugs to block out the horrible visuals and dialogue.

Harry and Dave went on to fulfill their one of seven destinies. Before they leave, Hermione says her noble speech. (Dramatic music kicks in.)

"Well, good luck guys," Hermione said.

"We could've made it here without you," Harry said. "You are the smart, obnoxious and bitchy one."

"Me? Books? That's nothing. There are much important things. Courage. Friends-"

"That's very noble, but we have a destiny to fulfill!" Harry says as the music turns off.

"Oh, sorry," she says. "Dave. Good luck!"

She grabs him and kisses him very hard.

"Oh, come on now, Dave," Harry said, enviously. "We have a world to save."

He pulls the two lovebirds apart.

"I love you!"

**Delayed, short, and possibly the worst chapter. Sorry for the delay, but writer's block is a bad disease.**


	17. The Man With Two Asses

**Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection**

**The Man With Two Asses**

Harry and Dave made it to the chamber to see Professor Quirrel waiting for them.

"Quirell?" Harry exclaimed. "Where's-"

"Snape?" he finished the sentence.

He's good, Harry thought.

"Yes, Snape does seem like the type doesn't he? Who would expect poor, miserable Quirell?"

"I suspected you all along, honkie!" Dave said.

"No you didn't," Harry corrected.

"What about all that suspicious stuff he did?"

"He was only in two damn chapters!"

"It's called reading between the lines, jackass!"

"Don't call me a jackass, _black boy_!"

Dave started to lose it.

"Black boy, huh? Well, your momma is so white, everyone thought she was God!"

"Oh yeah? Well your mom is so fat, her toilet committed suicide!"

"Your dad's so gay, he only did your mom because she was a hermaphrodite!"

"Your mom's so fat, you thought you were crawling in a cave, but it was actually her v-"

"Whoa! This is rated PG-13, remember?"

"Oh, yeah. Now that that's over with, let's finish this loser once and for all."

They both got in fighting stance.

"Well before we fight," Quirell said, "say hello to Bob."

His… head thing fell off and Bob was seen on the back of his head.

"Harry Potter," he managed to speak. "See what you've done to be? You ruined my life!"

"I was just returning the favor," Harry explained. "I mean, you **did** kill my parents."

"So what? I'm an adult! And I'm- No that means I can't do it. Anyway, KILL HIM!"

Quirell runs over to Harry, but he touches him and he explodes.

"That was easy," he said to himself. "What's next?"

Dave reads from the script.

"It says here we faint."

"Good enough."

That's just what they did.

Later, they woke up in the Hospital Wing where Professor Dumbledore was waiting.

"I see you're awake. Now, I know you have a lot of questions, so I'll answer them now. Quirell is dead, Bob is alive, Dave is black, (Dave punched him in his sleep) the Nerd's Rock Collection was destroyed, Nicholas is gonna die, and it's all your fault! Do you know how much paperwork we have to go through? Wait 'til you recover. I'LL KILL YOU BASTARDS! Sorry, Torrette's syndrome. But good job, Harry Potter and Dave…Dave."

He left.

The next day, the House cup was rewarded to Jackson. Foxx was definitely disappointed. ("Nobody cared to notice, but there were an awful lot of black kids in our house," Dave whispered.) Dumbledore, being the cheating bitch he is, gave it to Foxx, because, deep in his heart, he was black. (They edited this out because Dave thought he was being racist and threw a cup at him.)

Being the last chapter in the story, it wouldn't be funny. But don't worry. The story doesn't end here.

**The End**

**For the next story, I'm making it rated R so I can try to do a satire instead of parody (although it will still be in the parody section). Thanks for putting up with, and the next story will come in a few weeks. Thanks!**


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